Mother’s Day Gift.

I had a nice conversation with B. last night. She was worried about my trip to Texas and the recent bad weather. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I would be about a hundred miles from the tornado hits. I told her I would only be worried when the plane was trying to land.

B. told me that she is putting together a Mother’s Day gift for me. I laughed and told her she had it mixed up. I am supposed to send her a gift not the other way around. Any hints from all the mothers about an appropriate gift?

She also talked about me coming up to the cottage they are renting in August. I am looking forward to going but I still have uncomfortable feelings about sleeping over. I have this weird feeling that I would be vulnerable and not in control somehow.

I also have a question for other adoptees in reunion. I find that in between phone calls, I feel mad lately. I can’t put my finger on it but I have this little digging anger at B., her family and the whole situation. I don’t really know why I feel this way. The whole thing was not her or her family’s fault at all. Is it that I somehow want to be incorporated into her family like 45 years hasn’t passed?

Recently, B.’s sister told me that my maternal grandmother was extremely conflicted over the adoption and felt the wrong decision was made. It is such a odd helpless feeling that my life was so in the balance. It could have gone either way. That makes me feel vulnerable and not in control.

It is funny how the rollercoaster of reunion never seems to end.

The Search and Reunion Box.

I was noticing that my whole outlook on life changes as the weather gets nicer. I did a couple of run/walks this weekend to gear up for the two day, 29 mile Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in Boston on May 19th and 20th. It felt great to be outside in the sun! Unfortunately, I didn’t think the sun was strong enough to warrant sun screen and I am a little burnt here and there.

It is hard to believe that I am coming up on a year in reunion tomorrow. I first met my paternal uncle and his wife on April 19th and I met B. on April 24th of last year. I remember how crazy the whole thing seemed.

I just went and dragged out my search and reunion box from the shelf in the basement. It is a big carton for a ream of W. B. Mason 8 1/2 x 11 paper. Sturdy and about half full of files, newspaper clippings and pictures. I keep all the correspondence in a big basket in my office. I love my search and reunion box. I still feel a thrill when I look in it. It’s my history!

I couldn’t remember how long it took from start to the actual meeting. It is so weird to read old emails and see my frustration with the whole situation. 

My first contact with the agency was on early September of 2005 and I  finally met B. on April 24th of 2006. In the grand scheme of things, seven months isn’t a long time unless you are an adoptee waiting while your biological mother decides if she wants to meet you or not. I was so freaking pissed at the time! I remember thinking I went through all this emotional upheaval and she isn’t sure she wants to meet me? Isn’t sure?

I remember how insulted I was. It wasn’t like I was asking her for a kidney or anything. I just wanted to meet her.

I am smiling reading her first letter to me after the reunion. We were so awkward with each other…

Tomorrow, I will go back through the search and reunion box and try to get all the letters in order. It brings so many memories… 

Where do you keep your Search and Reunion stuff? And your letters? Do you look at the contents often or just now and then?

Adopted and Grumpy.

Sorry for my tantrum yesterday. I don’t usually get all crazy when I think I have been slighted but for some reason things just rubbed me the wrong way.

I think my expectations are a little too high at times so now I am trying to follow that old adage about walking in someone else’s shoes.

Anyway, my trip to Texas is all set! I am spending time with my brother in Austin, Texas. I am excited to explore Austin since I have heard so much about it and it is where my Bdad lived up until he died. I also don’t get to see my brother very often so it will be all good.

Then, I am meeting my new half brother and his wife at the Riverwalk in San Antonio. We are all staying at the Maison Del Rio which is supposed to be pretty fancy. We have spoken on the phone quite a bit and email frequently so it will be great to finally meet them face to face.

They told me to expect temperatures in the mid 80’s so I am completely ready!