I had a nice conversation with B. last night. She was worried about my trip to Texas and the recent bad weather. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I would be about a hundred miles from the tornado hits. I told her I would only be worried when the plane was trying to land.
B. told me that she is putting together a Mother’s Day gift for me. I laughed and told her she had it mixed up. I am supposed to send her a gift not the other way around. Any hints from all the mothers about an appropriate gift?
She also talked about me coming up to the cottage they are renting in August. I am looking forward to going but I still have uncomfortable feelings about sleeping over. I have this weird feeling that I would be vulnerable and not in control somehow.
I also have a question for other adoptees in reunion. I find that in between phone calls, I feel mad lately. I can’t put my finger on it but I have this little digging anger at B., her family and the whole situation. I don’t really know why I feel this way. The whole thing was not her or her family’s fault at all. Is it that I somehow want to be incorporated into her family like 45 years hasn’t passed?
Recently, B.’s sister told me that my maternal grandmother was extremely conflicted over the adoption and felt the wrong decision was made. It is such a odd helpless feeling that my life was so in the balance. It could have gone either way. That makes me feel vulnerable and not in control.
It is funny how the rollercoaster of reunion never seems to end.
9 responses so far ↓
suz // April 26, 2007 at 5:03 pm |
I believe anger is a very real, valid, needed emotion. You have plenty to be angry about. You were separated from your mother at birth. Its consequences are far reaching.
The challenge often comes in where to vent that anger, how to manage it. Too often mothers and children, vent it on each other. What we are angry at is not necessariliy the PERSON but the situation.
I realize I am royally ticked off at my daughter. But its not really HER as a person, its the situation, the way adoption has infected our mutual lives and left us scrambling to reconnect with so little resources and support to do that.
From a mom perspective, if my daughter were in the throes of adoption anger, I would hope she would just tell me that. Allow me to know about it, discuss it with her, give her space.
Keeping it to herself, denying it, would not be good for either one of us.
Much peace.
singingingfeather // April 26, 2007 at 10:31 pm |
The best Mother’s Day gift I received from my daughter was a card with warm thoughts about me being in her life, and how she felt. Good thing I kept it because it was the only card I ever received from her, she “just isn’t a card person”.
As for your anger, I can understand it, I get into a rage about the adoption triangle, and surrendering my daughter, I can’t image what it is really like to be adopted, I try, but the only thing I can do is try to understand those feelings that being adopted bring on, day in and day out.
Linda
mia // April 27, 2007 at 1:03 pm |
I can relate to this. To know that one or two events could have altered my entire existance is unsettling at best.
I have days of anger although not so many anymore. I try to be an “observer” on those days. I find creative ways to let it out (art, writing, gardening etc…), which helps give reason to the madness. It turns anger into something productive which is cool. Reunion is certainly a process.
I wish you all the best!
joyceregina // April 28, 2007 at 4:09 am |
Oops! Im stuck in the boxes. Help
Look for me in there
Reunited Dan // April 28, 2007 at 10:28 am |
Thanks, Suz, Linda and Mia.
I don’t know if I feel comfortable telling her this stuff. She seems to have walked around burying her guilt for 45 years and I don’t want to top it off by telling her I feel angry at her sometimes…
joyceregina,
I responded to you on the last post. Sorry for the delay.
Dan
Possum // April 28, 2007 at 1:37 pm |
I have a lot of anger – but mostly from the stalling tactics I’m encountering right now. Different waves of emotions certainly come and go.
Maybe finding another outlet for that anger is the way.
I find blogging – and receiving nods from fellow adoptees to be helpful – just knowing I’m not crazy – or alone in what I feel.
It’s all such a minefield really.
Am thinking of you – if that helps!!??
Poss. xx
p.s. LOVE the header pic you’re currently showing. It is SO very lush and green – something that we are lacking badly down here in OZ. Send some rain our way if you get too much!!!
kim.kim // April 28, 2007 at 5:09 pm |
Give her something that feels appropriate and doesn’t make you feel vulnerable.
Maybe a card is enough maybe you want to buy her something bigger.
This is an opportunity (again only if you feel comfortable) to have contact with your siblings and ask them what they think would be a nice gift for her.
It’s ok to be angry, I think it’s an appropriate reaction.
Joyceregina // April 29, 2007 at 6:31 pm |
Anger: Its such a terrible emotion. Makes poop dust all over the place.
Yet, very real and painful. We just cant live with it so we need to deal with how and why.
My question is this: How can we put aside all this anger that stops us from having the relationship that we lost along the way. And If we dont talk about these things then how can we get past them? In the case of search and reunion I would hope that there would be joy without anger. I would not want someone who would come to me with anger. In this way no one would be vulnerable. This must be the greatest decision made for a reunion to work.
Craig Hickman // April 30, 2007 at 11:25 pm |
Honor all you emotions and feelings, including anger.
There is nothing wrong with anger, if even you don’t know why you’re angry.
It will all be revealed in time.
Continue to talk about it, though. It’s real and deserves your attention.
Peace.