Sorry for the delay in finishing the story of my trip. One thing I am finding about reunion is that suddenly I have gone from having a small immediate family to having a large extended family. I have been to family cookouts, met close friends of my deceased maternal grandparents, and I am trying to stay in touch with all these folks on a regular basis. Throw in a fulltime job and a house that needs work… it is difficult to find time to sit down and write.
Anyway, back to the story. My brother and I headed over to this section of Austin where my birthfather had lived before he died. It is this tiny area of South Austin down by the river and it has a pretty rough reputation. Using the map, we would drive up one street after another trying to get to this area. These streets all seemed to dead end at either dirt piles, construction or the highway. My brother suggested another plan of attack since we were quickly running out of time. We drove onto the highway and up to the next exit. The map indicated we should be able to drive right into the neighborhood from this exit.
We pulled off the exit but the entrance had been blocked off! Jersey barriers and orange cones. The clock had run out and we drove back onto the highway. So that was it. All the fantasies of me finding someone who knew my birthfather ended with my face pressed against the rental car window. Ironically, I thought how appropriate this seemed. My whole search for my birthfather has been just like this.
I can get so close but I just can’t find him.
I guess that is what I really wanted. I wanted to find him and I somehow need to realize that he is gone. I was too damn late. I would imagine that other people who have had a search “end at the grave” may feel the same way. It is just incredibly hard to admit my search for him might be over.
I was driving home last night from a great evening out on a friend’s boat. We headed out of into the ocean, anchored and opened up a few bottles of wine. I lay on the back bench sipping the wine and watched the sunset. It was one of those moments that you wish could last forever. I felt a sense of peace and yet a curious sense of awe. I thought about how that sun just keeps on rising and setting. Problems come and go but the world just keeps on going. Does it really matter that I never met my birthfather? Will it matter in fifty years when I am gone? Who will care?
I left the boat and drove home on the dark country roads. I had the car windows wide open and the night wind felt wonderful. Every now and again, I would see a rabbit dart across the road in my headlights. I had some jazz on the radio but I kept turning the volume down until I could barely hear it. Suddenly, I felt a strong presense that I wasn’t alone in the car. It was so brief but I really wonder if it was my birthfather from beyond or something. I suddenly realized and understood that I had done the very best I could. I could forgive myself for waiting too long to find him. I made every effort. I went through court records, transcripts and spoke to anyone who might have had the slightest contact with him. I wondered if I re-looked at the court transcripts and…no. It is done. He is gone and it is done. Call me crazy but I believe that his spirit was in that car and he was telling me to let go of it. He wanted me to move on.
A few weeks back I visited his gravesite again. His name is in small letters on the back of the family stone. The family had him cremated in Texas and brought him home to New Hampshire to rest. I sat there for a few minutes looking around at all the gravestones with French Canadian names and smiled. A year ago, I had no idea what my lineage or heritage was. And now here I sat at my birthfather’s grave knowing exactly where I came from…
Next up? Meeting my half brother and his family in San Antonio, Texas in Part IV. A great experience!
Posted by Reunited Dan
Posted by Reunited Dan
Posted by Reunited Dan
