Brother and Sister Reunited.

A Million Stories…

I was reading comments on my last post and it really got me thinking.

I know a lot of adoptees have abandonment issues but I guess I am one of those people who can’t reside in the past. I don’t think I ever had any anger towards B. (maybe a little when she couldn’t decide if she wanted to meet me!) but I did have confusion and curiosity. I do know that it is difficult to try to establish a relationship after so many years. There is a big piece missing that I don’t think can ever be replaced.

When I decided to sever the relationship with certain members of my bdad’s family, it wasn’t easy. I think if he had still been alive things might have been different (or worse). There is a lot of anger at him and I found that I was turning into his stand in.  The final straw was a letter that made light of my search for my biological roots. That I did all this searching on a whim. Am I angry at them? No. Yes. I don’t know. When he walked out, he left behind a lot of damage that had been lying dormant for 30 years. Symbolically, I ripped off the scab and the wound started bleeding again. I realize the anger is really at him but it has been turned on me. At a certain point, you need to cut your losses and I hit that point.

Interestingly, I am close with my bdad’s brother and his family. They were ostracized also. They were the first biological relatives I ever met and they are special to me. 

I also have been thinking a lot about being an adoptee. Could I have been angry at B.? I guess if I had an unhappy upbringing. Maybe a “why didn’t you try harder to keep me” anger? I certainly can see where adoptees could think that way. My life was fine and I think I turned out all right. My adoptive parents cared a lot about me and were honest about my adoption. Do I think they are thrilled about my reunion? No but they realize it is important to me so they deal with it.

I am rambling this morning…

 

A Nice Visit.

I got to B.’s house at about 10:15 a.m. on Sunday. It was so nice to be driving with the radio playing and the warm wind blowing in the windows for a change. Ah, Spring!

We really didn’t do much but wander around her yard looking at all the plants coming up. She had bought a flat of herbs for me so I put that in the car. I walked around with her husband looking at the old farm equipment. He was showing me how the old potato machine would mound up the dirt around the young plants and another machine that would harvest the potato and shake loose the dirt. Not too exciting until you think that these machines were pulled by horses!

I had sent B. the book The Mistresses Daughter and she had read about half of it in two days. I had told her it was an interesting story and a good read. We got into one of those discussions that is confusing. She was very concerned that I felt the same way the author did and I tried to tell her that there are a million adoption stories and this is just one.

Then somehow we got into a discussion on my falling out with some of my bfather’s immediate family. I was trying to tell her that I had felt like I needed to maintain a relationship with them because they were blood relatives but I realized I didn’t. I was being dragged into age old family dysfunction and being expected to take sides and it wasn’t healthy for them or me.

I had to laugh because B. (like myself) picked out one small thing to obsess about. She was concerned I didn’t feel like her son and daughter were blood relatives!

Anyway, we all hopped into cars and went out to eat lunch. I totally get razzed by B.’s son and daughter because B. keeps me on a short leash. They mentioned getting together (without B.) for drinks to get to know each other. I would very much like to know them better but B. seems to want to orchestrate any contact between us. Her daughter is always telling her to give me some breathing room!

Anyway, we got back to B.’s house and sat out in the sun until about 4:00 p.m. when I needed to head back. I noticed later that spring sun gave me a little burn.

On the way home, I was listening to old Kate Bush. For some reason, her song called Love and Anger seemed to really hit me. It could almost be an anthem for adoption reunion…The lyric about “living in the gap between past and future” just hits me.

Kate is just awesome. I don’t know if she is considered a technically good singer but she is filled to the brim with passion. I was reading that her debut album was cut when she was 19 and the songs were all written when she was 14 and 15! Amazing.

Give it a listen and if you know the symbolism of the jewelled ball and stick, please let me know!