I was reading comments on my last post and it really got me thinking.
I know a lot of adoptees have abandonment issues but I guess I am one of those people who can’t reside in the past. I don’t think I ever had any anger towards B. (maybe a little when she couldn’t decide if she wanted to meet me!) but I did have confusion and curiosity. I do know that it is difficult to try to establish a relationship after so many years. There is a big piece missing that I don’t think can ever be replaced.
When I decided to sever the relationship with certain members of my bdad’s family, it wasn’t easy. I think if he had still been alive things might have been different (or worse). There is a lot of anger at him and I found that I was turning into his stand in. The final straw was a letter that made light of my search for my biological roots. That I did all this searching on a whim. Am I angry at them? No. Yes. I don’t know. When he walked out, he left behind a lot of damage that had been lying dormant for 30 years. Symbolically, I ripped off the scab and the wound started bleeding again. I realize the anger is really at him but it has been turned on me. At a certain point, you need to cut your losses and I hit that point.
Interestingly, I am close with my bdad’s brother and his family. They were ostracized also. They were the first biological relatives I ever met and they are special to me.
I also have been thinking a lot about being an adoptee. Could I have been angry at B.? I guess if I had an unhappy upbringing. Maybe a “why didn’t you try harder to keep me” anger? I certainly can see where adoptees could think that way. My life was fine and I think I turned out all right. My adoptive parents cared a lot about me and were honest about my adoption. Do I think they are thrilled about my reunion? No but they realize it is important to me so they deal with it.
I am rambling this morning…
3 responses so far ↓
suz // April 23, 2008 at 9:10 am |
Ramble away. I love your rambles.
joyceregina // April 23, 2008 at 10:12 pm |
Dan: I want to say something, and somehow the words can’t be written out loud.
The anger, sadness and the “missing pieces” which cannot be replaced.
I have a feeling that the closer you get the further you will go.
That big block “Why didnt you try harder to keep me anger” I have given that a great deal of thought. Life being as it is today to answer that question 45 yrs later would sound weak regardless of the answer!
That is not rambling and you did turn out just fine.
Randy // May 1, 2008 at 10:18 am |
Well, living in the past is one thing, but who was it that said the past is but prologue? I don’t have have any conscious issues of abandonment or anger, but I’m searching for my origins nevertheless. Also, I can’t help but notice some funky facts in what little information I do have that don’t quite add up, which adds to that natural curiosity.