One thing I have noticed since reunion is that I don’t fantasizeabout my bmother or bfather anymore. I think the last time was standing on my patio one night having a silent conversation with as yet unknown B… I had just recieved and read the non-identifying information and it was a highly emotional time.
Now I find I play “what if” game. What if things had been different? What if I had been raised by B. and R.? How much of me is nature and how much is nurture? So on that note, here are some thoughts:
- Does my interest in cooking and food come from my maternal grandmother?
- Does my interest in music and the arts come from my maternal grandfather?
On both counts, I would say yes. So we have nature. But in that line of thought, some things don’t fit…
- My bfather was an incredible athlete. I am not! If I had been raised by him would that have been different? We have the same stature and build and if I had started young…
- My bfather and his family were largely uneducated but worked hard and played hard. In my younger days, I had a hard playing streak in me that could have been a problem if I hadn’t outgrown(?) it…I also seem to have lost my taste for alcohol since I discovered he died from booze and cigarettes…
I just have touble trying to picture me in that world. I don’t seem to fit at all.
I sometimes feel more connected to B.’s husband. I love his farming and self sufficiency. The hunting I can do without though!
Sorry for the rambling post. I started on a very organized note but…
2 responses so far ↓
suz // July 24, 2008 at 9:46 am |
I don’t seem to fit at all.
The You you are today doesnt fit or wouldnt fit. But that person is based on being adopted and the life you had. We look back at what might have been with eyes that are.
You might have fit there becuase it would have been all you ever knew.
That kind of stuff can make a person crazy.
Sweet that you feel connected to B’s husband. You and B must like some of the same qualities in others.
joyce // July 28, 2008 at 12:11 am |
interesting Dan: If you think about this one to much like Suz says it can make a person spin. I tried to wonder what this could be like. Maybe fascinating that you can look inside and then pick up the good and bad.
Maybe its almost similiar to the young kid who cant wait until he is 18 so he can run away from home. Best thing is not to take this to seriously, unfotunatly we do.
I was with my sis yesterday and we were looking through all the old photo albums Ugh! She said, I always wanted to be like you, I envied everything about you and I wanted to be so close to you. I said, but I always felt that about you. (she was brought up by and aunt who wanted to adopt her but Mom says No.) She kept us apart and protected her little doll so none of us could get her messy. We have so many inner qualities and similarities its amazing. But we did miss the most important thing and although we try to work at it, its always there that separation and longing for what we didnt get to have. Try not to compare these things feel what is offered to you. A little misalignment with B, but you dont have to fix anything with her husband.
I think Im babbling. I did leave there feeling the same sadness with her. Our voices are alike, we resemble each other and we laugh at the same things simultaneously. We are together and I can relate to those who do get into reunion.
Didnt mean to wirte an epic. It is all difficult to sift through this stuff.