Happy Birthday to me!

Happy Birthday to me!

Either today or Saturday was my birthday depending on who you ask. All the documents (amended BC, un-amended BC and a few other things) I have state the 20th but B. insists it was the 17th.

From my research, the discrepancy could be attributed to two things. First, back in the 60’s, they were pretty sloppy with dates for babies who were going to be adopted. Records were going to be sealed so what did it matter? I imagine the following scenario.

Doctor: So anyway, I bought this new golf club… Push! There you go sweetie… and we have a boy. Jesus! What is today’s date? The 19th? 20th? Anyway, this club is made of titanium which helps give the ball some lift.

The second reason for the possible discrepancy was that girls in the Chittendon house system often lost track of dates and times. They were insulated from the world although B. remembers going to movies and shopping with the other girls.

I do have to laugh about B. She was quite a handful back then. On two occasions, she demanded to be taken out of the Chittendon home and her parents had her stay with friends  and then at a lake house up north. All in all, she spent only about two months at the home.

So either nine or twelve days later, I was dropped off at my aparents house. I still wonder where I was during those preceding days. I think I had been remanded to the state but I wonder if I cried or fussed having only spent a day with the woman who gave birth to me.

On another note, I was at a function on Sunday night at a restaurant. At my table was a couple I know and their adopted daughter who is about seven or so. I found I was watching the daughter and I could see it. The adoption personality. She has a bit of a wild child look and she is very independent. She has a “No thanks…I can get by on my own very nicely” way about her and it reminded me of myself as a child. 

I believe adoptees tend to become independent and self-reliant at an early age. With few exceptions, I find most adoptees to be very forceful of personality. I wonder if it has to do with the separation? I am curious if there are any studies on this and I will check it out later.

Anyway, Happy Birthday to me whatever day it was.

End of the Line?

Over the last two years, I have been posting my experiences and observations regarding my search for my biological roots. It was an incredible journey. I reunited with my biological mother, traveled to Texas, navigated the prison system, searched through library records, visited graves, appeared as a guest on the Adoption Show, testified at the Massachusetts’s state house and received my original birth certificate. Who would have ever thought that an 8 1/2 x 11 inch white envelope containing my non-identifying information would lead to all this?

I look at my journey fondly. It was an exciting time filled with many emotions. I made many on-line friends and maybe a few enemies. I started therapy and stopped when I discovered the search itself was the best therapy for me. I exhausted the search and I know I turned over every rock and stone looking for information. I relyed on myself and I came through. I can honestly say I explored every single possibility. I feel…good!

My thought is to leave the blog on-line for now. I do admit that I would like to explore some other subjects like food and cooking. I can’t say I am completely finished here but I think it is getting very close.

Adoption Reunion Expectations.

I was killing some time yesterday and I came across an interesting study about adoption reunion expectations. Actually, I found quite a lot of studies about adoption reunion and it seemed like they were all done in Australia which leads me to believe Australians are fascinated by all things adoption and/or have a lot of folks wandering around in various stages of reunion. Just kidding.

What I found really fascinating was a study done in Perth. They interviewed adoptees and biological mothers in reunion on a variety of subjects. I was surprised by the motivations to reunite and expectations for an ongoing relationship. Of course, interpretation of the results is subjective.

This study showed that most adoptees search and enter into reunion in order to “fill in the blanks”. This is often motivated by major life changes like divorce, birth of a child, death of a parent or a milestone birthday. Most adoptees expected a singular meeting and a possible ongoing friendship with the birth parent. A few adoptees were looking for a “fairy godmother” type relationship.

In this study, the biological mothers who searched were often looking to reclaim a “lost” child. They often expected to have a traditional parent child relationship which adoptees usually rejected. Biological mothers often lowered their expectations because “something was better than nothing”.

If that weren’t confusing enough, they got into subjects like family events, inheritance and other goodies. Adoptees often felt mixed messages from biological parents. Most adoptees did not expect to be included in any kind of inheritance but were often confused by exclusion from family events such as weddings, funerals, and holidays.

Another interesting part of the study talked about adoptees guilt about being disloyal to their adoptive parents if they expressed an interest in searching and/or reuniting with biological parents.  Searching and reuniting by adoptees was often done secretively. While these fears of disloyalty were often unfounded they severely hampered any relationship with the biological parent.

The conclusion of the study was that it was almost impossible to define a successful reunion. Most often, both parties lowered their expectations. Adoptees allowed a bit of mothering and biological mothers allowed more of a friendship type relationship.

Interesting stuff! Any comments?