I was killing some time yesterday and I came across an interesting study about adoption reunion expectations. Actually, I found quite a lot of studies about adoption reunion and it seemed like they were all done in Australia which leads me to believe Australians are fascinated by all things adoption and/or have a lot of folks wandering around in various stages of reunion. Just kidding.
What I found really fascinating was a study done in Perth. They interviewed adoptees and biological mothers in reunion on a variety of subjects. I was surprised by the motivations to reunite and expectations for an ongoing relationship. Of course, interpretation of the results is subjective.
This study showed that most adoptees search and enter into reunion in order to “fill in the blanks”. This is often motivated by major life changes like divorce, birth of a child, death of a parent or a milestone birthday. Most adoptees expected a singular meeting and a possible ongoing friendship with the birth parent. A few adoptees were looking for a “fairy godmother” type relationship.
In this study, the biological mothers who searched were often looking to reclaim a “lost” child. They often expected to have a traditional parent child relationship which adoptees usually rejected. Biological mothers often lowered their expectations because “something was better than nothing”.
If that weren’t confusing enough, they got into subjects like family events, inheritance and other goodies. Adoptees often felt mixed messages from biological parents. Most adoptees did not expect to be included in any kind of inheritance but were often confused by exclusion from family events such as weddings, funerals, and holidays.
Another interesting part of the study talked about adoptees guilt about being disloyal to their adoptive parents if they expressed an interest in searching and/or reuniting with biological parents. Searching and reuniting by adoptees was often done secretively. While these fears of disloyalty were often unfounded they severely hampered any relationship with the biological parent.
The conclusion of the study was that it was almost impossible to define a successful reunion. Most often, both parties lowered their expectations. Adoptees allowed a bit of mothering and biological mothers allowed more of a friendship type relationship.
Interesting stuff! Any comments?
7 responses so far ↓
Suz // January 8, 2009 at 8:34 am |
I would agree with a massive lowering of expectations on my part. While I never expected to reclaim a child and suddenly be mom, I did hope/expect to be treated at least at stranger level with some degree of respect and interest in me as a person, her kin, etc. There has been none. I have therefore lowered my expectations in that regard and have indeed adapted a something is better than nothing attitude.
I keep in touch and leave doors open but I have learned to expect nothing at all in return.
marleen // July 11, 2009 at 2:08 am |
My husband and I before we married had a daughter together and she was adopted thru Catholic Social Services. She is now 32. She contacted us in December 2008. We exchanged letters and made plans to see her in June 2009. She met us at the airport with out 7 y/o granddaughter. We had a great time with the granddaughter and went to our daughter’s house for dinner. Things seemed to go great. The next day she was standoffish and said her daughter could not spend afternoon with us–she had to see her “grandparents”. (The adoptive parents. The next day she called and told us she had no room in her life for us. The following day she called and said we misunderstood her and our granddaughter wanted to see us. We had already made plans to leave so we told her that. We are now at home and it has been two weeks since we have heard anything from her. She did say we could write our granddaughter. I;m trying to come to terms with what happened. Your experience sounds like ours. Did it get better? Catholic Social Services told us that adoptive children do this–one moment they accept you the next they pull back. Any comments would help. How did you come to grips with expecting nothing
Reunited Dan // January 8, 2009 at 10:39 am |
Hi Suz,
I can’t begin to figure out her resistance to a relationship with you. I remember when I first made contact with B., she was very resistant. I think other forces were at work but I couldn’t understand at all.
If only life was simple…sigh!
Dan
Margie // January 8, 2009 at 11:16 am |
Thanks for posting this, very interesting.
Jasmin // January 9, 2009 at 5:19 am |
Hi Dan
Interesting post, I have to agree with your comment, more often than not reunions are affected by other forces that are at work. In my case it was my husband that put up barriers. Life as you say is not always all that simple.
Dale // January 9, 2009 at 1:10 pm |
Dan;
The results of the study are right on for my situation, at least for the first year. I think my son would have been very happy to just meet me an then go on as usual. I have pretty much been the driving force in continuing a relationship that he is now gladly and willingly a part of. He is still struggling to ‘put me some where in his head.’ I am now considered a loving Aunt. I refuse to let him call me Aunt Dale, just Dale and my grandchildren call me Miss Dale. It is all such a process and there are so many issues and so much grief and loss mixed in with the joy and happiness. Such an incredibly wonderful and difficult journey.
I am off to visit my son on January 17, I am quite excited and yet anxious too. I will be attending his Sunday school class and church and a picnic with his Mom and sister and family.
I am a strong, loving woman and this brings me to my knees emotionally.
Wish me luck.
elisabethak // September 20, 2009 at 7:50 am |
Hi Dan,
I’m one of those Australians you read about and I’ve just started my own reunion search. I’m wondering whether many adoptees had feelings of anti-climax at all, after ending their search (ie. putting an end to that oh-so-intriguing mystery factor). If you could sling me the links to those studies, I’d be grateful. I’m sorry to read yours ended with a grave.
AO
My blog’s at http://wp.me/pE8TB-1