Saturday Nights with Troy Dunn: The Locator

I watched  both episodes of Troy Dunn: The Locator last night. It is very strange how each episode leaves me with a wide range of emotions. One thing that I notice in this season’s episodes is that one particular moment when the face of the relinquished, abandoned, stolen adult changes into the face of that confused child. It doesn’t matter who the person is…even the tough guys. The look asks one simple question…why? Why didn’t you want me? Why didn’t you come find me? 

The first episode left me with mixed emotions. On one hand, I felt for the father. He was obviously distressed that he abandoned his son and also very sick with cancer. On the other hand,  I was also ticked off with him because I felt he could have made some effort over the years to locate his kid. He could have made the effort to pay his child support. Sometimes actions really do speak louder than words. His son was very wary and I have to say I don’t blame him one bit. I was a little upset that the son had decided to move in with the father but it isn’t my decision.

The second episode was a little less dramatic but very touching.  The young lady had been adopted because her mother was dying. Her mother chose adoptive parents for her literally on her death bed. The mother’s friend had promised to look after the daughter and somehow lost touch. I felt that there was an instant bond between the two and I hope there are many years of that young lady learning more about her mother.

What a beautiful weekend! I hope you are all enjoying some great weather…I am headed to Las Vegas next week. I am always overcome by such a strong feeling of R. when I am out west.

“Having the right doesn’t make it right”…

I was watching Troy Dunn: The Locator last night. This episode involved a guy who was rejected by his birthmother and then located by his half-brother who wanted to establish a relationship. Heartbreaking but hopeful.

I have to say that I am still really impressed with this season of the Locator. Last year it seemed as though most of the reunions ended happily with everybody walking hand in hand off into the sunset. Actually, that isn’t true now that I think of it… the case mother whose twin boys were swiped comes to mind.

One thing that Troy said last night really hit home to me. He said that  the birthmother has the right to refuse contact but it doesn’t make it right. When I think of all the stories I have heard here over the last three years, I couldn’t agree more. Everybody should have the right to decide what is best for them. But I also feel strongly that adoptees are owed an explanation as to the circumstances that led to their adoptions. It is the right thing to do.

My feelings are that every person involved in the adoption process deserves at least one face to face. There doesn’t have to be an ongoing relationship, lunches and family picnics but there should be one face to face. It is the right thing to do. 

My adoptive father always told me that if you always do the right thing, things tend to have a way of working out. Such a simple belief and probably the best life lesson he gave me. 

I think back to meeting my paternal half-brother and his wife in Texas. I should have been a little more guarded but the whole reunion process is based on letting your guard down. I didn’t know the family dynamics but there were enough warning clues there that I see now in hindsight. I did the right thing by meeting them and while I was very hurt by them, I learned another life lesson about protecting yourself. Note: if your biological relatives have no contact and despise each other, there is a reason!

So how do we get everybody on the same page? I have no idea but I can say this. If you are reading this and contemplating a reunion with a biological relative, just do the right thing…

Finding a Grave…

Last night’s new episode of Troy Dunn’s The Locator  hit really close to home for me.  It may be a guy thing but any episodes with sons searching for fathers really break my heart. I recently watched the episode with the Iraq war veteran meeting his dad for the first time and the joy and hope in their faces was remarkable. It is sad to realize I will never have that.

I didn’t start my search until late 2005 and discovered that my biological father had passed away in 1995. His death wasn’t nearly as poignant. He died in a hospice in Austin, Texas after drinking and smoking himself to death. I followed his trail through prison records and court transcripts but the records get hazy near the end. He became one of those haunted souls living under the radar. A drifter with no ties…

His brother was the first blood relative I ever met and I am so thankful that I was able to establish that relationship. I am in close contact with his best friend from his childhood. These men both took me under their wing. I actually had a long phone conversation with his childhood friend the other day and strangely it is what I imagine a father son conversation would be like. Some teasing, some sports talk, some looking for similarities. We discovered we are both are big fans of Law and Order although he prefers the original while I like Criminal Intent.

Although these relationships are wonderful they don’t replace meeting my father. I would have leaped rivers and scaled mountains to meet him. I would have gone to the prison to meet him. His rocky past doesn’t diminish him in my eyes. I would have preferred meeting him face to face rather than standing in a wind swept graveyard reading the words “Beloved Son” carved into a cold stone marker.

I guess the message I want to share is don’t delay  searching. It may not work out as you hoped but something is better than nothing. You don’t want to hear those heart sinking words…”I am so sorry but your father passed away”.

I am heading up north to visit the biologicals today. I think I will stop by and see if my father’s friend has seen any good episodes of Law and Order lately…