Brothers and Sisters.

Lately, I have been thinking about B.’s son and daughter. I try to imagine what it must be like to suddenly find out you have an older half brother floating around out there.

I do know that after they got over the initial feelings of being deceived, they both have made an effort to bring me into the dynamic. After two years, it isn’t easy and there are still awkward moments. My half sister recently graduated from nursing school and I sent along a gift certificate. There were only six spots at the graduation so I didn’t expect to be invited and I wasn’t. I was on the sideline with the babysitting best friend, the uncle and the cousins which is fine with me. I wonder if the gift certificate was too much. Do I appear that I am trying to buy my way in?

I think the distance is a mixed blessing. If I lived closer, I think I would be expected to be involved in more of their activities. It is like the old “other people’s children” saying…I love to have them over but I am happy when they go home.

We also were raised differently.  They grew up hunting, fishing, and racing cars. I never fished until last summer (with them). They keep talking about taking me to the races and I just can’t imagine it. They think I am nuts for watching golf on TV. Fortunately, an uncle is a certified golf nut so I am not completely alone.  He and I compare clubs and scores. I do share an interest in farming with B.’s husband but my interest comes from cooking and his comes from survival. I think we appreciate the other’s interest no matter where it comes from.

I guess it (reunion) can work if people realize and accept the differences. When I lurk on other adoption blogs, I see so much anger (?) back and forth between folks. There are strikes against us from the start and we need to figure out how (and if) we can get around them. We can’t change the past but we can hope to change the future. And when do we decide to just move on?

It appears that sometimes the damage is just too severe for reunion. But is that really adoption related? Or just the way of the world? I grew up with a kid who discovered pot in his early teens. He went from a bright eager student to sluggish stoner in a matter of months. I think he is still getting stoned and works laying carpet for his dad’s company. He is happy but his parents had such hopes for this straight A student. He wasn’t adopted or mistreated. He just turned on and tuned out. It could happen to any family…

I realized awhile back that a relationship with my deceased Bdad’s immediate family just wasn’t going to work. To put it bluntly, they are s–thouse crazy. Frankly, they kind of scare me! There is so much dysfuntion within the family, I can’t be involved. They all bad mouth each other horribly and barely communicate as it is. To give them credit, they did try to come together when I showed up but it just wasn’t in the cards.  

I just couldn’t get around it so I had to move on.

So those are my thoughts for today.

Recent freakish discovery:

My Bdad’s ex-wife is married to the ex-husband of the aunt to one of my golfing buddies…can you say six degrees? Wait do I have that right?  My buddy’s “former” uncle is married to my bdad’s “former” wife. There you go…

A Million Stories…

I was reading comments on my last post and it really got me thinking.

I know a lot of adoptees have abandonment issues but I guess I am one of those people who can’t reside in the past. I don’t think I ever had any anger towards B. (maybe a little when she couldn’t decide if she wanted to meet me!) but I did have confusion and curiosity. I do know that it is difficult to try to establish a relationship after so many years. There is a big piece missing that I don’t think can ever be replaced.

When I decided to sever the relationship with certain members of my bdad’s family, it wasn’t easy. I think if he had still been alive things might have been different (or worse). There is a lot of anger at him and I found that I was turning into his stand in.  The final straw was a letter that made light of my search for my biological roots. That I did all this searching on a whim. Am I angry at them? No. Yes. I don’t know. When he walked out, he left behind a lot of damage that had been lying dormant for 30 years. Symbolically, I ripped off the scab and the wound started bleeding again. I realize the anger is really at him but it has been turned on me. At a certain point, you need to cut your losses and I hit that point.

Interestingly, I am close with my bdad’s brother and his family. They were ostracized also. They were the first biological relatives I ever met and they are special to me. 

I also have been thinking a lot about being an adoptee. Could I have been angry at B.? I guess if I had an unhappy upbringing. Maybe a “why didn’t you try harder to keep me” anger? I certainly can see where adoptees could think that way. My life was fine and I think I turned out all right. My adoptive parents cared a lot about me and were honest about my adoption. Do I think they are thrilled about my reunion? No but they realize it is important to me so they deal with it.

I am rambling this morning…

 

It is Nice to be Somewhere!

I came through my Tympanomastoidectomy with Ossicular Reconstruction pretty well. Who am I kidding? It was friggin awful! The low point was waking up from the surgery and puking in one of those little pink kidney shaped bowls. My throat hurt from having a tube shoved down it and my manhood burned from having a catheter. Ugh!

After that ordeal, I had a week at home resting and watching more TV than I care to admit. I knew I was at a low point when I was following the story line of Designing Women reruns and was getting choked up because one of the characters had recieved a cancer diagnosis. I also watched Frasier, Will and Grace, and Wings. I couldn’t read because my eyes were a bit off and it hurt to wear glasses.

I messed up my first post-op appointment. I had it in my mind that it was Wednesday but it was really Tuesday. I was furious with myself because I wanted to get some of the nasty itchy packing out of my ear. I had to wait till Friday and it was such a relief when she yanked out a good section of packing. Ahh! This and a Q-tip would have been heaven on earth but I am not allowed to use them anymore.

B. was a little irritating during the whole procedure. She meant well but she and I have only known each other for a little over a year so how can she know I prefer healing in private. It is just the way I am.

I thought a lot about the bio relatives this week. I have decided to cool it with some of the paternal relatives since there is too much drama. There is a lot of bad mouthing of each other and I just can’t get involved. I recieved back the last letter sent to my bdad’s wife in Texas. I guess the post office won’t spend anymore time figuring out which trailer she lives in. It was stamped insufficient address. I tossed it out. She knows my address and I have called several times with no response other than her original call.

Jumping back to B. and my hospital stay. The day after the surgery, she called and was telling me that they all found it funny that I was such a grouch after the surgery. In her defense, I do turn into a major a–hole when I am sick.  People piss me off and I have no patience whatsoever. Anyway, B. said something to the effect that she told her daughter that she thought I was going to tell her I loved her but I was too groggy and crabby. This made no sense to me and I thought it was a bit weird.

I did manage to talk her out of coming to the hospital. The four hour round trip was silly for a 15 minute visit. I thought it was silly for my parents to drive 25 minutes to see me for a few short minutes.

Enough of all that. I watched the movie Notes on a Scandal and it was creepy good! I thought it was a chick Flick but I was totally wrong. I thought Cate Blanchett was pretty sexy which is funny because I usually think she looks like a plucked chicken. Judy Dench is just a force! What an actress.

So I am back to work today. I’ll head in early to catch up with emails and maybe get out early. I want to take it slow.